In the moment I want to feel warmth, I want to believe, I want to trust,I want to eat that, I want to drink this, I want to say whatever it is , I want to be a person that is less than who I know I can be, should be and have the aptitude to be. It is easier in a sense to be that person, but there are a multitude of corollaries that come with being less than my greatest self. If I loved myself more wouldn’t I only allow people in my heart who love me? Wouldn’t I eat right? Wouldn’t I drink more water? Wouldn’t I speak life? Wouldn’t I try… try HARD even? It sounds foolish, but isn’t how I treat myself the very first indicator of how much I value myself? Well I haven’t been doing those things. There are things I am aware of that need to change straightaway! I have been letting life happen to me instead of actually LIVING!!!
I find myself in stifling situations… My ex was a stifling situation. I can honestly say that I saw in him an easiness and a comfort and in contrast a person that pushed me to be the GREATEST deMargo would not have those same qualities. *Cue Giving up by Donny Hathaway* The truth however is that I deserve much better in a relationship, and my children deserve better in a mother, and the WORLD deserves better from a fellow earthling, and my family deserves a better ME, and I don’t want to waste what God gave me first…. MY life. I feel like I have purpose on this planet and for me to not do what I know I can and should is not only me passing on my own personal purpose but very well could be to the detriment of all of humanity. That is how I feel when I don’t read my kids a story before bed. It is that deep for me. I have to read them some type of book and by me reading that book and spending that quiet time with them they are better equipped to affect the ENTIRE world. *Cue Gregory Porter Painted Canvas*
I get discouraged…These stifling situations compound upon one another and before hindsight kicks in the view is inscrutable. In those moments when I am in the fog… trying to wade through the waters and make the right decisions and go the right way AND it turns out that I have been SO diluted/deluded it takes a true act of God to see the way up. I am glad I have people in my life that show me the way(to Hollywood ;P). *Cue up Hollywood by Chaka Khan & Rufus *
My prime real estate is being wasted…My time!!!! I let people build these slug lots slug lots with my time… they just sit there and wait for a ride and act like we are going to the same exact place when in all actuality they are just hitchhikers in a suit. Suits of sweet smiles, perfect teeth, positive affirmations, intriguing cultural inclinations and an assured gait, but really they are just hitchhikers. Hitchhikers looking for a ride to wherever the heck I am going!!! Not where they plan to go, BUT wherever the HECK DEMARGO has already DECIDED to go… I can’t… BYE!!!!!! *Cue Bye Bye Bye by Nsync*
There is actually a person that I want to be… or at the very least little things that probably mean nothing to anyone except for me and in addition ARE actually FOR me!!! I want to soul write daily; one or two times a day, I want to read the New Yorker every week, I want to make lists and get everything on them done, I want to have enough hair for a ponytail, I want to be someone’s Queen of Sanity *cue Queen of Sanity by Bilal*. If I could accomplish those things I would be closer to who I am in my head when I get it together. Of course there are bigger things but those are the little insignificant things that would help my inner me through her day….
Time to get started… A year from now I would have wanted to start today.