Single Mother

Living in a mental captivity

But I was ambushed by indifference
Assaulted by lack of accountability
And here I stand on the brink of broken, broke, improvised and victorious.

Now,Don’t take pity on me
It just needs to be said
I have arrived
the big picture living is vibrant interpretive finger art because of perspective…
No paint brush, no partner, no takeback, no drop offs, no straight lines, no stencils, no splinters
I have to hum my own theme music

Just me and my little genius crew.
Live and in action
Rolling with no traction
With only a glimpse of direction.

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I think that there is a possibility that I have a problem showing MYSELF that I love ME…

In the moment I want to feel warmth, I want to believe, I want to trust,I want to eat that, I want to drink this, I want to say whatever it is , I want to be a person that is less than who I know I can be, should be and have the aptitude to be. It is easier in a sense to be that person, but there are a multitude of corollaries that come with being less than my greatest self. If I loved myself more wouldn’t I only allow people in my heart who love me?  Wouldn’t I eat right? Wouldn’t I drink more water? Wouldn’t I speak life? Wouldn’t I try… try HARD even? It sounds foolish, but isn’t how I treat myself the very first indicator of how much I value myself? Well I haven’t been doing those things. There are things I am aware of that need to change straightaway!  I have been letting life happen to me instead of actually LIVING!!!

 I find myself in stifling situations… My ex was a stifling situation. I can honestly say that I saw in him an easiness and a comfort and in contrast a person that pushed me to be the GREATEST deMargo would not have those same qualities. *Cue Giving up by Donny Hathaway* The truth however is that I deserve much better in a relationship, and my children deserve better in a mother, and the WORLD deserves better from a fellow earthling, and my family deserves a better ME, and I don’t want to waste what God gave me first…. MY life. I feel like I have purpose on this planet and for me to not do what I know I can and should is not only me passing on my own personal purpose but very well could be to the detriment of all of humanity. That is how I feel when I don’t read my kids a story before bed. It is that deep for me. I have to read them some type of book and by me reading that book and spending that quiet time with them they are better equipped to affect the ENTIRE world. *Cue Gregory Porter Painted Canvas*

 I get discouraged…These stifling situations compound upon one another and  before hindsight kicks in the view is inscrutable. In those moments when I am in the fog… trying to wade through the waters and make the right decisions and go the right way AND it turns out that I have been SO diluted/deluded it takes a true act of God to see the way up. I am glad I have people in my life that show me the way(to Hollywood ;P). *Cue up Hollywood by Chaka Khan & Rufus *  

My prime real estate is being wasted…My time!!!! I let people build these slug lots slug lots   with my time… they just sit there and wait for a ride and act like we are going to the same exact place when in all actuality they are just hitchhikers in a suit. Suits of sweet smiles, perfect teeth, positive affirmations, intriguing cultural inclinations and an assured gait, but really they are just hitchhikers. Hitchhikers looking for a ride to wherever the heck I am going!!! Not where they plan to go, BUT wherever the HECK DEMARGO has already DECIDED to go… I can’t… BYE!!!!!! *Cue Bye Bye Bye  by Nsync*

 There is actually a person that I want to be… or at the very least little things that probably mean nothing to anyone except for me and in addition ARE actually FOR me!!! I want to soul write daily; one or two times a day,  I want to read the New Yorker every week, I want to make lists and get everything on them done, I want to have enough hair for a ponytail, I want to be someone’s Queen of Sanity *cue Queen of Sanity by Bilal*. If I could accomplish those things I would be closer to who I am in my head when I get it together. Of course there are bigger things but those are the little insignificant things that would help my inner me through her day….

Time to get started… A year from now I would have wanted to start today.